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The Trials & Tribulations of Michael Wesley Stratton  there just may be hope for humanity yet. Current mood:  (in a truly restful state).Current music: Sigur Rós - Mílanó. I’m cursed and far too damaged at this point for anyone to want. I have given more than my all too many times and came up empty to ever recover. I had a great run last year, awesome work, awesome in pretty much every way but I ended up getting fucked over on every front at the end of the year so now I'm back to being unemployed, bitter, and pretty much lacking all desire to do anything but sit and stare blankly into this screen. I have the opportunity to go back to work as soon as more is available but I guess it still really fucks with me coz I got the shaft in a major way. I'd be a liar if I said the root of most of my discontent wasn't because of a woman. This however is far too complex to even begin to go into here, but I suppose I always find a way to fall for the perfect girl that just isn't it. She will tell me that 'if things were different' and on and on and on but in the end it's still the same. As for my health, I'm as healthy as ever I suppose. I still don't take any medications nor do my doctors recommend I do, which after 5 years is nothing short of a miracle. It's apparent that neither heaven nor hell wants me so I must suffer here starving for the love and acceptance of a woman I would give the world to. The happy, fun-loving guy I used to be is quickly dwindling into one filled with bitterness and hatred for humanity as I feel that at this point all is lost. Deep inside me that person is begging to be set free again, however the possibility of him ever returning seems impossible at this point. So I quietly sit in the dark sipping absinthe and swallowing a couple vicodin hoping the pain will go away but it seems to only get worse the longer I try to hang on. Sorry for such a long depressing letter, I just felt you should know the state I'm in at this point in my life. I'm fighting it, I really am, but it seems the closer to coming out of it I get, the further I have to go. I'm a good man, I just at this point have little to no hope that humanity possesses a woman which would accept me for who I am as well as be engaging enough for me to want to spend my life with. The gun with one bullet is sleeping in my closet, but I'm afraid I haven't given up entirely just yet, so until then it will wait until I long for true love's kiss no more. Current mood:  apathetic.Current music: Matchbook Romance - My Mannequin Can Dance. It's been a long time since a journal update. I realize this. I also realize that there's only a very small people who read my journal anyway so it's really not that big of a deal. I've of course, been up to alot, some good, mostly stuff that seemed good but turned against me. If you care about any of this go ahead and read on, but as usual.... you're probably not going to like it. Where do I start, how about pre-christmas. I had things going fairly well, I hadn't been making a lot of money but I was doing okay. I'd been talking to a few cool people, I had been playing alot of World of Warcraft because I guess it was a good escape and something to do. I went back to Evansville for the holidays and instantly my parents were all over my ass because of my habits and basically I had nothing to really talk to them with since they have pretty much completely alienated me from having any sort of relationship with them that involved discussing how i feel, and my intentions or goals in life. I started hanging out with a female friend of mine, as we had talked about hanging out a decent deal while I was home. We had hung out a few times and it quickly changed from just a couple friends hanging out to realizing there was something more there than just a friendship. I'm not one for rushing into things, and I'm also not one to not jump in when I don't know if the water's warm or how deep it is so I was very cautious in how i handled the situation. I waited until I absolutely knew and the moment was perfect until I made my move, and I did so very gracefully. I couldn't believe that something in my life was actually going very positively however I was somewhat disappointed that it was going on in Evansville. Pretty much from that point forward we spent the entire rest of the time I was in town hanging out staying up until the sun came up watching movies, cuddling and kissing. I finally had something worth smiling about, and it had came from a completely unexpected situation but it was quite pleasing to have something work out so well. The fights started getting worse with my parents and at one point I decided leaving a few weeks early however I didn't so that I could stay and hang out with her because I certainly didn't want something so good to end, especially not prematurely. I was even pondering the thought of moving back so that we could be together because I want a successful career but I want to be happy in someone's arms even more. Then I decided to actually extend my stay for a week so that I could attend my friend's wedding. This was good because I got to spend some extra time with her and really decide what I was going to do with this whole situation. I had planned a big weekend for us and planned to take her out right and just have a great time. It was then that she informed me that she had other plans for the weekend that didn't involve me but another guy she'd kinda been seeing but whom i thought was out of the picture. After she had told me how happy she was hanging out with me and how great of a guy I was, I made the mistake of assuming she actually wanted something more than a couple weeks of making out and cuddling. So he came to town and they did their thing and I just kinda took it as it came. After that she pulled the HIV card and pretty much any hopes of it being anything meaningful to rest. I quickly gathered my things and what little pride I had left, and returned to California. I had a rough few weeks and simply drank as much as possible because it's just what I do. I tried to get back to being just friends with her but of course it was hard after being lead on and ripped apart. I finally have resolved the situation and it's okay now. I just learned again that I can't let my guard down, even when I think everything is going well, it's not. I learned that whenever things are going great, stop and analyze the situation, because something isn't right. I then read about people whoring online casino bonus's and making decent amounts of money with that so I figured I'd give it a try and now I've made almost $4,000 dollars doing it. I've started playing ALOT of poker and doing fairly well at that also. There is a huge amount I could embellish with this, however it's not really part of the 'theme' of my livejournal so I'll just leave it at pretty much right now I'm gambling for a living, and making a living at it. When I got back there was a really cool girl I'd met on MySpace and we had planned on getting together to hang out. We did and she is just a really cool girl. We have a ton of things in common, we're the same age and have the same outlooks on life. She is just getting through a really tough relationship however, and she needs her time to work things out. This is fine for me as I always seem to be recovering from some disaster and as soon as I am ready to walk again I am put right back on the ground. I think she is really special though and I very much hope that it goes somewhere wonderful, but of course, I have my doubts. I have a strong feeling she actually likes somebody else and I don't think it will work out in my favor. I'm taking the situation one day at a time however. I know now that I'm not an everyday find. I am something special that you won't find in most typical guys. I am thoughtful, funny, caring, sweet, and honest. I will love, live, breathe and die for the right person in time, and I don't think you see people like that everyday. I am trying really hard to stay positive about this situation, and I don't want to muck this up and blow my shot at certainly the coolest girl I've ever encountered. However in the back of my head my 'disaster alarm' keeps going off and at times I just want to pull the plug on the entire situation and get out while I've still got some of my pride and sanity. I just know that this one's not one I can back down and run from. I have to see this through to the end even if it means my impending doom. Who knows, at times I just want to go back to Indiana and call it quits on everything. Insurance is getting really tricky and I'm going to forfeit all of my insurance with Indiana and who knows what's going to happen. I just have to keep holding on and hoping for the best. I'm sure that there has to be some reward for all I've been through, and I just hope it comes soon. -Wesley Current mood:  blah.Current music: Taking Back Sunday - Great Romances Of The 20th Century.  well... it's finally done. my new portfolio. if you would like to check it out it's on the web at www.digitalstew.com it's about fucking time. i've been keeping myself quite occupied with working on my portfolio lately. i've been chatting with a couple girlies online, and they both seem really cool. i don't really have much faith or expectations that anything will go anywhere but hey, a boy can dream right? so usually when i complete a web project i feel relieved and don't care to jump into that again for a while, but this time its different. i'm starving for more, i am going to chill i think until i get home from indiana on my little christmas trip. (which i could go without, i kinda just wanna stay in california.) when i return however, i'm going balls out on my flash project i think. i really want to see that project come to light. i had a shitty incident a few weeks ago that i don't really care to talk about, basically i had a girl fuck me over like usual, nothing of a surprise, i saw it coming a mile away. i've grown almost apathetic to women using me to the point of it being sick, i think it's just what i'm meant for at this point. i'm still waiting for somebody to fall for me so that i can catch them. i'm here with arms wide open if you're out there and reading this. anyways...... that about sums up my last few weeks. i think i'm going to rock a couple new years resolutions this year. they are as follows in no particular order.... finish this diet, it's driving me insane now being 'close.' put my wallet on a diet, i have nobody to spend money on, so i just try to spoil myself with things to make me happy. get more career oriented and rock out more design than ever before. avoid women at all costs. this year was a year of attempting to pick up the shattered pieces only to cut myself time and time again on the broken fragments that remained. i realized that when i didn't think or care about finding anyone, i was far more happy, and it's obvious i'm just meant to be alone, at least for now. so when the new year starts, i'm going to clear all of my information off of mySpace except for my pictures and maybe one or two words, and say good riddance to 'the chase.' that's about all i really can think of saying right now, take it easy ya'll check out my site, i hope everyone is well and good. ciao, michaelwesleystratton further seems forever - new year's project.
your hands didnt move well neither did mine. new years will bring so much to say but nothing comes out right both of us left without words both of us lost in this world it's softer than ever before. and you were the outline of everything you would become. the keeper of these hands. to hold you now it is a far cry more than anything that i deserve. i'm waiting to give you whatever the world may bring i'd give you my life cause i don't own anything. it seemed like the bottom was all that i had until now I'd give you my life if you'd give me yours somehow. Your hands didn't move well neither did mine New Years will bring me to you. I'm waiting to give you whatever the world may bring I'd give you my life cause I don't own anything. It seemed like the bottle was all that I had until now i'd give you my life if you'd give me yours somehow. Current mood:  artistic.Current music: further seems forever - new year's project.. 
Current mood: apathetic.Current music: Taking Back Sunday - Slowdance On The Inside. So yeah, I've met a different QT that seems to be really cool, really playin this one soft seein what happens but there's crazy commonalities between us, she says she's just wantin to be friends right now tho but i'm mad cool with that coz I'm not ready to jump into something big yet fo sho. We'll see how things pan, we're goin out thursday. Yep that's it.. oh, on another side note, knock off 5 pounds from where i was at my last entry. I'm now at 215. here's an image to see the comparison.  And now for the lyrics. Hand in mine, into your icy blues And then I'd say to you we could take to the highway With this trunk of ammunition too I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets I'm trying, I'm trying To let you know just how much you mean to me And after all the the things we put each other through and I would drive on to the end with you A liquor store or two keeps the gas tank full And I feel like there's nothing left to do But prove myself to you and we'll keep it running But this time, I mean it I'll let you know just how much you mean to me As snow falls on desert sky Until the end of everything I'm trying, I'm trying To let you know how much you mean As days fade, and nights grow And we go cold Until the end, until this blood Until this, I mean this, I mean this Until the end of... I'm trying, I'm trying To let you know how much you mean As days fade, and nights grow And we go cold But this time, we'll show them We'll show them all how much we mean As snow falls on desert sky Until the end of every... All we are, all we are Is bullets I mean this As lead rains, will pass on through our phantoms Forever, forever Like scarecrows that fuel this flame we're burning Forever, and ever Know how much I want to show you you're the only one Like a bed of roses there's a dozen reasons in this gun And as we're falling down, and in this pool of blood And as we're touching hands, and as we're falling down And in this pool of blood, and as we're falling down I'll see your eyes, and in this pool of blood I'll meet your eyes, I mean this forever Current mood:  contemplative.Current music: My Chemical Romanc - Demolition Lovers. well, i've been laid off temporarily so that kinda sucks, supposedly there's new projects starting night crews this week so i'm hoping to get on that, if not I'll just have to find something else, no big deal. Money is gettin short so obviously a job is in the cards. =P I know THQ and EA are both hiring QA so i'm going to shoot my resume their ways and see what happens. I'm also working on a 3D Animated Short Film with some friends, I'm doing the graphics and web stuff for it so that's cool. On another note, i'm back on my diet hardcore, time to hit the ground running again. It's really hard to believe that 13 months ago I was 276 pounds, jesus what a fat fuck i was! I'm sitting at 220 now with my target weight of 180 which is now more than in sight after the large loss I've already seen, but this last 40 isn't going to be as easy. I'm doing alot of walking lately and am trying to keep to at least 2 miles of footwork a day. ;) The food out here is soooo delicious tho! it's hard to not eat bad when you're surrounded by amazing food from every culture imaginable. I went back to indiana for a few days and when i was there i was totally shocked by the average size of people, I didn't really seem to notice it while i was living there but going back? oh man... my more specific targets are 200 flat by thanksgiving. goal by christmas. can i make it? who knows... it's going to be fun to try tho =P Oh well, time for my walk! Love to all my friends that have seen me through this your support has been incredible and i never honestly thought when i said ' i'm going to lose 100 pounds' that I ever really would, but as my goal gets closer the more I can actually say 'damn.... i'm going to do this!' Starting Weight - 276 Target Weight - 180 Current Weight - 220 Current mood:  hyper.Current music: Eve 6 - Amphetamines. As some of you followers of these ignoble words that I write know, for most of this year I have been in a deep state of regression and discontent. I haven't always been very outward to let these feelings be known, however I have certainly let everyone know what has been happening in my life, and this is a time where I must also do that. The chains of my suffering have certainly been broken. I feel more myself today and now than I have in quite some time. I realize that no matter what happens, I'm me. I guess I'm just caught in a moment of Self-Realization. I know that many people are far worse off than I am, and that I am very fortunate for alot of things. I have proven that I am not just some sort of lackey to everyone back home and I feel even tho it's only a small level of success in what I am on my way to accomplishing, I have done it on my own, for me..... nobody else is able to take credit for these things I've done, and if I can do this.... what else am I capable of? I have always said that I will one day be something or somebody great, and I still feel that way to this day. The simple fact that I almost let one person ruin my life is now jaw dropping to me. I have also met some people here that have proven to me that no matter how wonderful and great you think a person is.... there is always somebody who can shine brighter and make the person whom you thought the world of seem ugly. I'm not giving names, and I'm not going into details because as of this point in time, I am just seeing how everything develops. I must say however that I am very intrigued and am most interested in seeing where it leads, however I have learned never to get one's hopes up, never assume anything, but don't always assume the worst. I don't know what will happen next, I do know however that I will no longer sit by the wayside and 'watch' my life pan out. I have waited to long and have wasted to much time hoping that one day someone will come into my life out of nowhere and 'do all the talking.' If I want something, I have to stand up and go for it, there's no time for regret or remorse. I now have to make up for the time that I have lost. Enjoy, I know I will. Current mood:  creative.Current music: Sigur Rós - Salka. I apologize for my recent absence, I've been really tied up with work, and then my parents came to visit for a weekend for my birthday and blah blah blah, it's been hectic. I may be getting laid off this coming week which is good for a break but it sucks coz no cash, but it'd be just temporary so that's good. I haven't been to sleep yet but I'm headed there now, I think maybe I'll spend my day off on an Absinthe binge... So glad to see you well Overcome and completely silent now With heaven's help You cast your demons out And not to pull your halo down Around your neck and tug you off your cloud But I'm more than just a little curious How you're planning to go about Making your amends to the dead ...To the dead Recall the deeds as if they're all Someone else's atrocious stories Now you stand reborn before us all So glad to see you well And not to pull your halo down Around your neck and tug you to the ground But I'm more than just a little curious How you're planning to go about Making your amends to the dead ...To the dead With your halo slipping down Your halo's slipping Your halo's slipping down Your halo's slipping down Your halo's slipping down Your halo's slipping down to choke you now Current mood: exhausted.Current music: A Perfect Circle - The Noose. I've been really busy lately guys and haven't had time to update my journal, and for that I apologize... I got a new job, and I'm currently working at Activision here in Santa Monica. I'm a Quality Assurance tester and I work from 5:30pm - 4am 6 days a week. It doesn't leave much time for sleep, let alone play... so I have been busy, I'm making good money though. I can't say which project I'm working on because of my Non-Disclosure Agreement but I will be happy to let you know once it's lifted. =) Hope all is well with everyone! Ciao Wes Current mood: tired.Current music: R.E.M. - Nightswimming. |
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